Revenge ? Serve It Cold!

Whether you caught him in bed with the local bimbo, dumped him for being an uncaring twat or he's run off with a woman he met online, you're probably feeling angry, resentful and wanting revenge.

Revenge may be sweet but before you dive in head first, ready to present Mr Up-For-Mongrel-Of-The-Year 2004 award with his well earned payback, take some time to consider the sour taste that humiliation, physical injury and a criminal record might leave.

There's nothing unusual about wanting to trash his beloved car, throw a brick through his window or lace his food with a laxative but there are other ways to go about things that are far less likely to bounce back and hurt you.

Believe it or not, the best thing somebody seeking revenge can do is to get on with the lives and be happy. Think about it - as long as you're giving him enough brain space to be plotting all sorts of revenge plans, he's still winning; still controlling your thoughts and actions. Is he really worth it?

Whether he left you for somebody else or you kicked him out, he'll still want to believe that you're missing him. After all, if you're not, that means you didn't really need him during the time you were together, doesn't it? Imagine what he'd feel, knowing that you're having the time of your life and that if anything, either his leaving actually did you a favour or that you must have been batty not to have wanted rid of him earlier. You won't be breaking any laws; you won't be landing anybody in hospital and your own sense of pride will remain intact, but when it comes to his self-esteem, boy will it get a knock!

But what if I'm not having a ball?

Good question. Let's just say that you don't need to be a leading figure in your local Amateur Dramatics group to be able to give the right impression to those you need to enlist as unwitting aids. Next time you're talking to somebody that knows him, make sure you mention the new guy you've just met and how much fun you've been having together. Yes, even if you haven't met anybody and aren't particularly having fun because this is all about having him believe he was easily replaced. Or, if that doesn't feel comfortable, let them know how life as a singleton came as a breath of fresh air enabling you to pursue all sorts of new avenues instead of sitting at home with him, eating crisps and watching the telly. Believe me, word will soon get back to him and unless he's the caring type who wouldn't wish any hurt on you, he won't like it.

Supposing he IS the caring type?

Ok, let's say he is but you don't care for what he did to you and still want revenge. What now? Hit him below the belt, that's what. No, I don't mean put your steel toed Doc Martin's on and point them at his groin, I'm talking about sex.

We all know how important it is for men to believe they're 'performers' and if there's one thing that'll hurt more than anything else, it's having people question his abilities in the bedroom. Don't rush out spreading rumours. though ? it's important you go about it the right way. Telling every Tom, Dick or Harry that he's a closet cross-dresser or that he's had all sorts of sexually transmitted diseases isn't the way forward. Everybody knows that the woman scorned will be feeling bitter and will quickly guess that you're looking for revenge and what's more, they'll probably end up laughing at you for being so petty. Trust me, you really don't want that kind of humiliation on top of what you're already feeling.

What you need to do is keep it low key. Wait until somebody asks "Do you miss sex now that you're alone?" or something similar and just shrug and give them one of those "why would I miss something that's crap?" kind of looks accompanied by a nonchalant "not really". That kind of thing's far more credible simply because it doesn't appear as if you're deliberately being malicious. Everybody loves a scrap of juicy gossip and if sex is involved, it'll spread amongst his friends and acquaintances quicker than you could get your stockings off.

Whatever you decide to do, don't do it while anger's still governing your actions. Breaking into his flat to leave prawns rotting under the fridge may seem like a good idea at the time but will it seem so good when the little old lady opposite tells the police that she saw you climb in through the window? Keying his car may seem like a simple, effective revenge tactic but do you really want to get landed with the bill if you're caught? And before you march into his favourite watering hole to pour beer over his head, stop and think about how humiliated you'll feel when people start thinking "I'm not surprised he left her ? she's barmy". And please, please, please ? don't stalk! When anonymous emails/text messages etc start arriving everybody will know who's behind them and you'll be the victim of ridicule. Wait, get on with your life and see how you feel about it later. You'll probably be glad you played safe.

All in all, just going about your business and enjoying life is the best form of revenge you could ever inflict on him and what's really great about it is that you'll be getting on with your own life, meeting new people, learning new skills and having a ball whilst you're at it. What could be better?

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